The Rise and Fall: Navigating Lockdown.
About a week ago I made a decision which would seem absurd to most people; I decided that this lockdown would be one of the best periods of my life.
I can see how that could be confusing or even come across as insensitive considering all the tragedies so many people are facing. Coming to this decision was not without the awareness of the chaos COVID-19 has unleashed on the world right now and frankly, I’m aware of the privilege I have in being able to earn an income working from home in this time.
That being said, if we’re completely honest, I did have a little meltdown when Boris Johnson announced the guidelines for social distancing across the UK. Funnily enough, I had already been self-isolating for a week due to flu-like symptoms and had been very vocal about the need for stronger measures from the government, especially as we had been made aware that several colleagues in my company had contracted the disease in almost all our locations globally. I was adamant the government needed to act quickly and shut everything down!
However, when that Monday arrived and Boris made his brief but stern address to the nation, my anxiety went up. Something I thought would bring me relief sent me into a spiral of panic, tears and shock. What made it worse was that it didn’t make sense; I couldn’t figure out why what I was experiencing emotionally was different from what I had expected.
I’m not entirely sure how but eventually I realised I was grieving. Grieving the loss of what had been normal to me for so long. I had become so used to being in control, especially as I used routines as a way to manage anxiety. So having that ‘taken’ from me was hard to process, hard to accept. On top of that my grief felt silly…like there were more important things to mourn such as redundancies, deaths - just definitely not normalcy. But eventually, once I stopped wrestling with what I was feeling, there was so much more waiting for me on the other side.
“I’m not entirely sure how but eventually I realised I was grieving.”
I started to be proactive in my approach to the days, doing things that would bring me joy and focusing on what was good in the midst of the chaos. It’s not all been rainbows, glitter and unicorns; some days my energy levels are incredibly low and I just couch potato, wrestling with the self-inflicted guilt of productivity. On other days, I am breezing through my lists, working out and baking brownies for balance. Nonetheless, I’ve been able to acknowledge that although it’s a time full of complexities, there are still beautiful things to be celebrated.
What a gift it is to have enough time & bandwidth to be deeply introspective but also to connect with others beyond the brief “hi & bye” catchups we’re used to. Usually, we’re so confident we’ll get to see the person again another time that we rush through our conversations with people sometimes. It’s nice to be able to ask someone how they are & have time to listen for the answer.
“…there are still beautiful things to be celebrated.”
There’s collective grief and a sense of vulnerability that’s allowing people to wear their hearts on their sleeves for the most part. Everyone has some sort of awareness (to an extent) of what the other person is going through - we don’t need to hide or tiptoe around the subject. And even when we aren’t addressing “it” head on, we’re still tender towards each other in a way that we might not have been before. I’ve had belly-aching laughter and also sat in silence, teary-eyed over FaceTime due to bad news. It’s all complex but beautiful too.
I’m also learning to slow down more. Based on the number of things I’m juggling at any given time, I’m used to rushing through tasks and trying to do 20 things at once. I’ve had to tell myself to slow down on numerous occasions during this lockdown. To give a conversation with friends my undivided attention instead of trying to edit a podcast at the same time, or to watch a movie & be fully gripped by it instead of running through the next thing on my to do list. What a beautiful opportunity to learn to be still.
I am learning all over again that multiple things can be true at the same time. The grief and the joy, the angst and the serenity - all of these have been true for me during this period. And I’m learning to let that be ok. As said on one of my favourite shows, This is Us, we have to allow the joys and tragedies to co-exist, instead of trying to keep them apart. To co-exist, instead of trying to keep them apart.